I’m going to enjoy this and I want the un-edited version to be shown!!!
Can I just say that it is an honour and a pleasure to be invited to write on such a stage as the "Captains Blog"
First things first, Chris Hargreaves is a great man! If he is editing this he may just leave it there but I hope he allows me my say.
He is a talented footballer with exceptional levels of fitness and determination, he has a will to win which is rivalled only by a select few greats of the game and a physique which makes you forget that he is nearing fifty and has been in the game of football for at least three decades.
He is a moderately attractive man who has worked hard with the hand god has dealt him. He dresses well, although it must be tiring to find adult looking t-shirts in Baby Gap, and his shiny gypsy like hair stands him apart from most men.
He snagged the gorgeous Fiona at school so she can’t be blamed for "settling" for him as she was young and was not given a fighting chance of spreading her wings and ending up with some one more in her league.
This said between them they have brought into the world 3 great kids who could probably get by on their looks alone but have all been gifted with talents of their own and personalities to go with it, I am expecting big things from them all.
‘Greavsie’ dotes on his family and his love for them is over shadowed only by his love for himself and on this note I will begin "My Side of the Story"
He has taken great delight trying to tarnish my good name on this blog, painting a picture of me as a paranoid, OCD suffering hater of all things, but this is his true talent.
They say you can take a horse to water but you can't make it drink. . . well Greavsie could!! If he was a defence lawyer he would have a back log of criminals holding smoking guns safe in the knowledge that Torquay Utd's number 14 will talk any judge round and get them off Scott free.
He is the master of manipulation, the worlds greatest blag artist.
My first dealings with "Tarzan" were many years ago at Northampton Town where he was a legend, however in my time there he didn't say a word to me preferring to ignore the young lad and focus on his love for Vivienne Westwood jackets.
We met up again at the start of last season and ended up living in Toddys’ old house, this is where I first learned of his ability to change his mind and opinion at record speed, and how he could hypnotise me into taking him house hunting in the middle of pre-season while my legs were ready to drop off.
He talks about my love of showers but fails to mention his love at taking all his clothes off at random times of the day and doing press ups in the kitchen through fear of father time catching up with him.
The first time he met my fiance, Jenny, he was sat topless doing his beloved "peck dance" and he immediately turned her on me which resulted in me not being able to shower for a week without 3rd degree burns while they sat down stairs turning the cold water on and off laughing at my high pitched screams of frustration!
In the early days of this blog he talked about the pub quiz we had on the way to an away game and how he led his team to a glorious victory. He was actually on my team and I sat with a pen and paper next to him while he confidently looked me the eye and gave me the "correct" answers of which about 75% were wrong, at no point listening to me or Wayne Carlisle’ desperate attempt to contribute and stave of an embarrassing defeat.
In training we do possession circles where the aim of the game is to keep the ball away from the 2 chasing players in the middle of the circle with 1 and 2 touch passes. The person who gives the ball away then takes over in the middle, unless you are Hargreaves in which case you pass the ball to the players in the middle then look at the person next to you, whose eyes then glaze over and he awakens in the middle of the circle alongside another hapless victim chasing the ball and wondering what has just happened!
Finally. . . HEAD TENNIS!!!!
Hargreaves, Woods, Hodges versus Brough, Nicholson, Mansell
Every week the same happens.
C.H stands in a corner next to the net, his partners run around and feed him the ball, he chests the ball over the net, shouts "TRADE MARK" at the top of his voice then runs around screaming and laughing like a 5 yr old whether he scores a point or not.
The rally continues until he decides he has had enough at which point he generally catches the ball and, with his two ageing groupies stood behind him, cheats us out of another hard earned point with more talk and mind games!
The next I see of it is when he has rushed home told the kids how "daddy pulled his team back from the brink" and posts more lies on this blog.
One day we will out and out destroy the 3 old amigo's and he will be forced to admit defeat on this blog but until then I can only hope that you have read this and had an insight into the real Chris Hargreaves and that he may apologise to me for the slander that has been thrown my way on this blog.
Probably not though!!!
Love you Tarzan x x x
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