So we set off on Friday in positive mood, a good weeks training and an unusually early 11.30 a.m getaway saw us fly for the first 45 minutes, then disaster. Some poor bloke had decided that enough was enough, he hauled himself over a bridge barrier and began what must have been a tortuous six hours.
It certainly was for the thousands of people stuck on the M5 for the duration. Women and children were in tears, stress levels reached maximum. It wasn't bad for us on the coach but for the single mum's with children and cars packed with families it must have been a nightmare. We had already hit a car by then though, a woman hit her brakes, the driver hit his brakes, but there was a timing issue and we soon had on board a woman with question mark whiplash and no back windscreen!. What a sight it was as Pete 'The Guru' Morgan leaped to her 'rescue' to give her a roadside massage ( It's the quickest he has moved all season! ).
The madness continued, the distraction of a woman, who lets say was thinking of alternative things to do in her car to relieve the boredom, kept our section of the motorway ( and the back of our coach ) occupied for at least an hour!!!!. We then decided to walk to the nearest services, passing a couple in their car who must have forgotten where they were, or who knew Ford KA woman!, a car packed to the rafters with three generations of Oxford fans and some Yeovil Town player's. Normal stuff really considering we were walking up what was normally a race track.
The services were having a field day, never before have they sold so many packs of crisps, cans of coke, £5 burgers and paracetamols.
We stayed there for a while, chatting to stressed out parents who were trying to cope with tired siblings and extortionate prices. After a quick trip back to our coach for an update it was decided that our evening meal was going to be a whopper ( no I actually mean a Whopper! ). The queue was a few hundred deep ( first exaggeration of the story! ) so it was again decided that just Brian ( a director and general top bloke ) would order for all of us - a good job really as it was a danger zone. The added bonus of someone leaving a 'present' on the floor in the queue of death just added to the gastronomic delight!.
Eventually at 8 p.m the traffic got moving again, a good job really as a near riot ( directed at the police ) was brewing on the hard shoulder.
We were re routed through Bristol and, after ten games of cards, thousands of **** type words, some shocking banter ( no names mentioned ) and 14 hours of naked coach life ( on board heat! ) we arrived. There was just enough time for my phone to break ( never, ever, ever get a 3 mobile ) before we all hit the rock hard sack at 2.30 a.m !!!.
Up at seven with a stiff neck, a loss to a team that we were better than, another 6 hours back and the weekend was complete. This tale would have been funnier had we have won - the writing style would have been a bit lighter! - or had there been a happy ending. In the end all the delays and motorway stress counted for nothing. The poor bloke ( who, as you can imagine, was the topic of everyones conversation ) on the bridge eventually made the decision that his time was up and, after six long hours on a ledge, decided to jump, a sad end to a life and I'm sure a very sad outcome for the people who tried to talk him down
Tonight will be spent missing my family, eating the entire contents of the fridge and flicking the control at will.
CH -4
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